Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

Dear Reb Shohama, I recently lost my mother, who was not only a wonderful mother, but also my best friend. She had a very hard life, but always prayed to God and did good things for everybody. I don’t understand why God didn’t let her live longer. Sincerely, Joe

Dear Joe,

I am so sorry about your loss. It has left a big hole in your life, and you, understandably are very angry with God. God can deal with your anger. Tell God how you feel, and ask God to heal your pain.

We don’t know why bad things happen to good people. It is the most difficult question religion has to answer. The Jewish tradition offers many possible answers, ranging from “we can’t know God’s plan,” to “justice will be done in the world-to-come and in a future life.”

I don’t want to pretend that I understand, but I offer you this thought from Rabbi Harold Kushner, who lost a son at a young age to a terrible genetic disease.

Rabbi Kushner says that God’s promise was never that life would be fair. God’s promise was that we won’t have to confront the unfairness alone.

The 23rd psalm, which begins, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,” is the psalm most people turn to for spiritual comfort. It doesn’t say, “In the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because there is no evil in the world.” It doesn’t say, “I will fear no evil because people get what they deserve and I’m a good person.” It says, “I will fear no evil because Thou art with me.”

God is always with us, in our joy and in our pain. Our sages taught that God weeps when we weep.

May you find comfort in your memories of your beloved mother, and in the presence of God and those who care about you. One of the reasons for saying kaddish with a minyan of worshippers is to surround yourself with community. Little by little, you will feel less alone.

My prayers are with you.

Blessings, Reb Shohama

PS. An excellent book on this topic is Does the Soul Survive?: A Jewish Journey to Belief in Afterlife, Past Lives & Living with Purpose by Rabbi Elie Kaplan Spitz. Also watch for the release of Rabbi Milgram's next book: Living Jewish Life Cycle

Troubled: Hanukkah's Stories Too War-Like

Dear Reb Shohama, I have been trouble getting into celebrating Hanukah, as the stories of this holiday are so warlike.
Yours, Sally

Dear Sally,

I understand your reluctance. The rabbis of ancient time also were concerned about militarism in connection with Hanukkah as a religious holiday and that is why the story of the miraculous oil that burned for eight days appears to have been written down well after the period of the Maccabees.

I believe the essence of the Hanukah message still has the power to bring light into dark places. It may help to focus on the meaning of the word Hanukah- "dedicate." The name of the holiday, Hanukah, refers to the rededication of the Temple after it had been desecrated, and the survival of Judaism as a living, breathing religion.

A Hanukat habayit is a ceremony dedicating the home to sacred living, when the mezuzah is mounted on each doorposts of a Jewish home. [Ceremony can be viewed here] It is customary in Jerusalem to place your menorah outside your door opposite the mezuzah, and a Chasidic and American practice to do so in the window nearest your mezuzah or on a table opposite the mezuzah. This is to remind us to make sure that the light of Torah fills our menorah, which is shaped like a tree, the tree of life from the Garden of Eden.

Every branch of the menorah's light needs to be dedicated to holy intentions. In every generations we re-encounter Torah and rediscover, in the light of the times in which we live, what it means to be holy. An idea that might work for you is to light the candles of the menorah each night with a different kavannah, intention, for making your home space dedicated to a Judaism filled with life and spirit.

Hanukah is about half-way between Rosh HaShanah and Passover, the two main holidays for personal and communal perfection. A suggestion would be to dedicate each candle of Hanukah to a different ideal—like hope, compassion, courage, humility, self-esteem, justice, patience, generosity, and peace.

Another idea would be to have a different intention for your home for each night of Hanukah. For example:

Night one: Focus on Israel in a way that will make you proud—find a book, article, photograph, or memory. In Israel dreidels read: Nes gadol haya po, A great miracle happened here!

Night two: Serve a Jewish food other than latkes. Your library will have cookbooks and many groceries will have Jewish delicacies.

Night three: Buy or borrow a new Jewish book to read that will be inspiring.

Night four: Play a new Jewish tape or CD, or watch a Jewish video

Night five: Donate extra to a Jewish charity that speaks to your heart and soul.

Night six: Make or buy a piece of Jewish art for your walls.

Night seven: Make or buy something to wear of Jewish significance- jewelry, or a kipah.

Night eight: Make or buy something for your home that will add grace to your Jewish celebrations, for example, a more beautiful kiddush cup, hallah cover or a powerful translation of the Torah, perhaps that by R. Aryeh Kaplan, Elliott Friedman, or Everett Fox.

I hope these suggestions will prove helpful.

Hag urim sameach, Happy holiday of lights, Reb Shohama

A Rabbi/Cantor for the Wedding

Dear Reb Shohama,
My fiancée and I are planning our wedding, and we want a ceremony that is traditional, but that feels like us. We know a rabbi, a friend of the family, who shares our desire for warmth and informality. This rabbi usually officiates by herself, as she has a nice voice. We also know a cantor who has served at our family’s synagogue since I was a child. We would like to include him, but are concerned that his formal operatic style will undercut the tone of the ceremony we are trying to plan. What should we do? Sincerely,Sharon

Dear Sharon,

Wedding plans are rarely simple, especially when it comes to honoring friends who are professional clergy. Often the vibrancy and spiritual power of a ceremony are lessened by having shared leadership among people whose styles don’t blend well.

There is a great difference between rabbis and cantors who prefer a great deal of formality and those who prefer an informal, interactive approach. Either style can be spiritually uplifting. Neither style is right or wrong. But, they are different, and it is often jarring trying to blend the two.

The formal cantor brings spirituality by presenting musical sound with traditional blessings. The informal rabbi brings spirituality by engaging the couple and the guests in the holy energy of bringing forth blessings from G-d and from all those present.

It sounds as if the rabbi you have chosen will be able to lead a wedding ceremony that will reflect your personality and desires. Usually a kol bo (leader who leads the speaking as well as the music) holds energy best on his or her own.

There are a number of ways to have your cantor enhance your celebration without having him dominate the wedding ceremony. My suggestion would be to ask him to sing a special song or psalm during the reception , or lead Birkat HaMazon (the blessing after the meal) at the end. If you feel you want him to participate in the wedding ceremony itself, he could sing one song, or chant the Sheva Brachot, the seven wedding blessings that conclude the ceremony. That way he would be included, but would not shift the tone of the wedding.

I suggest you discuss these options with your fiancée first, and then with the rabbi and the cantor. May you be blessed with the wedding of your dreams, and a lifetime of happiness.

Mazel tov! Reb Shohama

Note from site editor: Both Rabbi Shohama Wiener and Rabbi Goldie Milgram are available to serve as rabbis for Jewish weddings. Also, watch for the release of Rabbi Milgram's book, Living Jewish Life Cycle: Creating Meaningful Rites of Passage for Each Stage of Life, which has an extensive creative guide for Jewish wedding planning.
Must I Believe?

Dear Reb Shohama, I’ve finally found a synagogue where I feel joyful, peaceful, and at home. Problem is, the Rabbi really believes in G!d and I don’t. I feel like a fraud. What do you suggest? Sincerely, Louise


Dear Louise,

My guess is that many of the people in this synagogue feel just the same way that you do—they enjoy being there as part of the Jewish community, they feel it’s their home, but if you ask them about their belief in G!d they will say they aren’t sure what they believe.

It’s OK. It’s more than OK, and I feel confident that if you ask the rabbi, s/he will say the same thing. Judaism is a religion that encourages quests and questions. Even for those who do strongly believe in G!d, there are a multitude of ways in which this belief is understood and expresses itself.

We recently celebrated the holiday of Shavuot, the giving of the Torah on Mt. Sinai. The Midrash, a collection of rabbinic legends, says that each of the 600,000 Jews who stood at Sinai heard G!d’s voice in a different way. I have found this to be true. Each Jew that I talk to has a slightly different way of understanding G!d’s presence and role in the universe and in their life.

For some, G!d manifests in a intense spiritual experience—they see a vision of light, or hear angelic music, or feel overwhelmed with love. For some, G!d is inferred through the path of history, through the miracle that after four thousand years, the Jewish people are still vital contributors to the betterment of the world. For most, G!d manifests through appreciation of the every day wonders of life—the smile of a child, the hug of a friend, the beauties of nature.

The important thing is to be part of a Jewish community that learns together and shares their spiritual struggles, their joys and their sorrows. Al tifrosh min ha tzibbur—don’t separate yourself from the community—is a basic principle of Judaism.

You say that you feel joy, peace and a sense of being at home in your synagogue. To me, this is a clear sign that you are feeling G!ds presence. We believe in an intangible G!d, Louise, and the way we know G!ds presence is by how it makes us feel and act.

I bless you to continue your search, and at the same, be open to the wonderful experiences you can have in your synagogue.

Reb Shohama

Note from site editor: Be sure to check out Rabbi Goldie Milgram's Reclaiming Judaism trilogy for extensive guidance regarding issues of G*d-connection.

Sleepless and Worried about Work

Dear Reb Shohama, I am a practicing Jew. I keep Kosher, attend Shabbat services regularly, and even attend morning minyan several times a week. Yet I find I cannot sleep well at night, because I am too worried about my responsibilities to my family and my business. What advice do you have for me? Sincerely, Bob

Dear Bob,

You are not alone in your dilemma. In fact, it is a common complaint.

What I hear from your letter is that you are a doer—you perform many of the most important mitzvot (commandments) in Judaism. Yet it is not bringing you the peace of mind that you would like.

This may be because you have not sought the comfort of bitachon- trust, and emunah- faith, that are available to you as a member of b’nai Israel, one of the sons of Israel, and a child of G-d.

Just as we are to turn all our worries over to G-d on Shabbat, so too we may turn them over when we go to sleep. In the traditional prayer said before going to sleep for the night, an expanded version of the Shema, we find the prayer of the archangels. (see Artscroll Siddur Kol Yaakov p. 294)

We are asked to imagine that we are surrounded by angels that protect us through their vibrations, Michael on our right, the energy of love, Gabriel on our left, the energy of strength, Uriel in front, the power of vision, and Rafael at our back, the energy of healing. The prayer concludes by saying that over our heads is the Shechinah, the Divine Presence. Many find that visualizing these angelic energies and saying their names brings a sense of calm and peace that allows them to sleep without anxiety.

It is not easy to just turn one’s worries over to G-d; it takes practice. Hearing other people’s stories can give us the courage to try. Rabbi Zalman Schachter Shalomi, a great modern day rebbe, teaches that G-d is like the most powerful Partner we can imagine. It is important that we ask our Partner for that which we need, so that it can be given to us.

I remember clearly the day in 1978 I first asked for G-d’s help. My then husband was seriously ill, I didn’t know how I would find the strength to care for our three young children, and I was desperate. So I said to G-d. "I don’t know if you exist, but if you do and you let me know, I will listen and follow."

I felt G-d answer as a sense of warmth and love emanated from my heart. I began to study Hebrew and Bible, and to pray regularly. Although I had moments of worry and fear, I never again felt so desperate or alone.

Another way to build faith is through Jewish Meditation. Perhaps you can find a Jewish meditation teacher who will introduce you to practices that will build your sense of connection to G-d, and your trust in G-d’s guiding presence. Alternatively, find a teacher of Jewish prayer and blessings who really believes in their efficacy. Faith is caught, not taught.

The great story of the Exodus from Mitrayim- Egypt, which we tell not only at Passover but in every Jewish service, is to remind us that Mitzrayim is not only a political state but a state of mind. It literally means narrow place, and refers to that state of anxiety and worry that comes from feeling we are alone in our efforts to make things right. When we remember we have a Divine Partner and ask for help, we will receive the help we need.

May you find the courage to make G-d your partner in helping with your family, your business, and all your concerns.

B’vrachah, with blessings, Reb Shohama

Suggested reading
"Reb Zalman’s Story: God as Partner," in Worlds of Jewish Prayer, eds. Shohama Harris Wiener and Jonathan Omer-Man, Jason Aronson, Inc. Northvale, NY, 1993, pp. 283-286.

Does Circumcision Matter?

Dear Reb Shohama, My husband and I are expecting a boy, and are struggling with the issue of circumcision. Our reading leads us to believe it is a barbaric and patriarchal remnant of Judaism, causing unnecessary pain to the child. Moreover, there seems to be no significant medical benefit. What can you tell me? Sincerely, Susan

Dear Susan,

I understand your dilemma. There is a body of literature that portrays circumcision in this way, and I, too, have struggled hard with this issue.

In addition to reading, I have consulted many rabbis, mohalim (rabbis and physicians who do religious circumcision), and parents. Here is what I have come to understand.

IS IT BARBARIC?

Some of the techniques used in hospital circumcisions seem barbaric in that the clamp used is large, and cutting can take 5-20 minutes. This is not true of a religious circumcision, called brit milah, covenant of circumcision.

The mohalim, circumcisers, that I have seen, used a special device that makes circumcision very quick; it takes only a few seconds. While there is some pain
for the child, it is minimal, and the wine that is given the baby usually quiets him down immediately. I recently participated in the brit milah ceremonies of
my two grandsons, both of whom recovered easily and quickly. They nursed immediately after the cutting, a sign that they were not in excessive pain.

Men as a species are more violent than women. As a species, they can be barbaric in their behavior. Circumcision is a reminder for males to use their sexuality in a way that enhances human society, and not to be barbaric.

IS IT PATRIARCHAL?
There was a time, not so long ago, when women were kept out the circumcision ritual, and it was just a father-to-son bonding ritual. This is not generally true any longer. In fact, I co-officiated recently at the brit milah where the mother held the infant during the actual cutting. Nowadays mothers as well as fathers usually have a speaking role in the naming ceremony that follows the brit milah, often called "bris".

In the Torah, Moses’ wife Zipporah is credited with circumcising their son, and today there are a growing number of women who are trained to do circumcision.

Rabbi Goldie Milgram teaches that women have a natural covenant of blood (the Jewish symbol of the life force) that manifests with menstruation and childbirth, and that because of this women are naturally aware of the sacred and awesome nature of life-- from generation to generation. Men are lacking in this inborn covenant of blood; circumcision gives them an opportunity to have a covenant inscribed on their body.

Circumcision is gender-specific, but that does not make it patriarchal. It does make it a male privilege.

A MALE PRIVILEGE
I have for many years been among the women rabbis seeking to create covenant rituals for baby girls that will have the power that brit milah has for boys. Although we have written beautiful and meaningful ceremonies, including rituals such as washing the babies’ hands or feet as a sign of welcome, we have not been able to create the deep embodied sense of covenant that goes with circumcision. There is a sense of irony for me in hearing that Jewish parents would willingly give up the privilege of circumcision for their sons.

WHY CIRCUMCISE?
Jews have been circumcising their sons for thousands of years. The Torah says that G*d told Abraham to circumcise his son on the eighth day, as part of a covenant with G*d. For the Jewish boy, it is a visible sign that he belongs to a people committed to helping and healing the world.

The penis, which can be a force for rape and brutality, is rendered more sensitive and vulnerable through circumcision, so that its bearer will be mindful of being sensitive and caring in using it. It is an in-the-flesh reminder for teenage and adult males that their sexual member should be dedicated to ethical relationships. I understand the covenant of circumcision made with Abraham to be a covenant to honor women and all life, and not to rape and abuse any part of creation.

Susan, you may not think it important now for your son to be circumcised, but you may well change your mind as time goes by. David Zaslow, in the May/June 2001
issue of Tikkun magazine, tells the story of how he and his wife chose not to circumcise their son at eight days, feeling that it was unkind. A few years later David had a Jewish spiritual awakening, and came to feel that circumcision was an essential part of being a Jewish male. With his son’s permission, he had him circumcised at age 6, when it is a painful procedure. His son said to him, "Daddy, I wanted you
to do it at eight days."

The rabbis and mohalim I spoke with all had many stories of young boys and men choosing TO BE circumcised. A Jewish boy who is attracted to the spiritual heritage of Judaism will probably want to be circumcised, and having this done after infancy is
surgery usually requiring hospitalization, with a painful recovery period. Remember, many Jews who are actively practicing their faith were raised in families who were secular. It is a common occurrence.

IS THERE MEDICAL BENEFIT?
The controversy is over the statistics. Do enough boys benefit medically from circumcision? For any male who has suffered with a penile infection, or cancer of the penis, statistics are irrelevant.

I remember well the pain my former secretary went through as her son suffered from repeated penile infections. Finally, at age four, he was circumcised. A dear friend, not Jewish, shared with me the horror story of her four year old son whose foreskin got caught in his zipper. He had to be rushed to the hospital where the doctors performed an emergency circumcision. Now that’s trauma! Both of those
unfortunate situations could have been prevented by circumcision.

A TRIBAL IDENTITY SYMBOL
Circumcision is a tribal symbol, marking a male Jew as a member of an ancient people dedicated to a holy way of life. It is interesting today to see teenagers and
young adults marking their bodies with tattoos and rings, as if they need an in-the-flesh way of making a statement about their identity.

Susan, your son will be very aware that he is different from most other Jewish boys as he grows older. Teenagers are very sensitive about differences in appearances; they want to look like their friends. Teenagers can also be cruel in teasing those who seem different, and I have heard several sad tales from colleagues whose young congregants shared their pain with them about not being circumcised.

What seems to you to be a kindness to your son, is, in my opinion, a disservice. You are taking away your child’s choice to look like other Jewish boys, to feel like a full member of his people. Remember that boys often see each other naked, in locker rooms and at camp. By not cutting his foreskin, you are cutting him off from looking like Jewish males have looked for thousands of years.

Think about inoculations, which are also a little painful, with a short recovery period. Parents choose to have their children inoculated for their long-term health benefits. So, too, circumcision is a little painful, but it brings the Jewish boy into his rich
spiritual heritage, marking him as a member of the covenant between G*d and the Jewish people.

I hope that what I have written will give you pause. Your son will be Jewish, whether or not he is circumcised. But he is more likely to feel the full sense of pride in being Jewish if he is brought into the Jewish world through brit milah, the covenant of
circumcision.

May you be blessed in your choice, Reb Shohama
 

What's This about Messiah?

Dear Reb Shohama, This time of year the theme of Messiah rings in my ears constantly, due to the Christmas season. And then I notice that many of the prayers in my synagogue’s prayer book also talk about the coming of the Messiah. I am a modern person. How do I make sense of this idea? Puzzled in Omaha, Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,
I puzzled over this issue for many years, as it defies logic. However, I have come to understand that many religious traditions celebrate Messianic figures, people who brought extraordinary blessing and wisdom into the world, and that there is much of value in this.

Traditional Judaism counts belief in mashiakh, or messiah as one of its main principles, and Christianity learned this from Jewish teachings. Judaism teaches that there have been many candidates for Messiah over the millennia, but that the true Messiah will be recognized because he will bring with him an era of peace and plenty, a time when the lion will lie down with the lamb.

For Christians, Jesus is the Messiah whose return they await. One contemporary group of Jews is also Messiah-centered. The late Lubavitcher Rebbe, is seen by many of his followers as the Messiah. Lubavitcher Hassidim (followers) pray to him, asking him to intercede on their behalf. It is possible to fax letters with requests for spiritual guidance and intervention to his grave, which is a sacred site for visits by those who revere him either as a great spiritual leader or as the messiah.

Believing someone to be a messiah occurs occasionally in Jewish life. Rabbi Akiva, during Roman times, believed the Jewish military leader, Bar Kochba to be the messiah. Bar Kochba fit the biblical understanding of messiah, which was to be a person who would lead the Jewish people back to freedom in the promised land of Israel.That did not happen, and later during the Ottoman Empire, another candidate for messiah arose named Shabbati Tzi. When the Caliph offered him death or conversion to Islam, he converted. So far no one in history has proven to actually be the messiah.

Many contemporary Jews, including myself, belief in a Messianic Age rather than an individual Messiah. Rabbi Goldie Milgram interprets the Kabbalistic teaching on this as follows: The original light of creation is present as the soul spark within every aspect of creation. In a human this is your soul spark. This spark gets covered over by a klippah, a husk or shell. This husk is made out of the by-product of a broken or traumatized heart, unawareness, as in environmental insensitivity, and much more.

When you do the work of lifting the klippot from your life, your light is able to shine out. When enough of us do this, we will bring messiah consciousness so that the energy on the planet shifts irrevocably towards goodness, love and cooperation. There is research dedicated to this, described in the story that follows.

THE HUNDREDTH MONKEY

This is a paraphrase of a report by Ken Keyes, Jr. in his book The Hundredth Monkey; it is my favorite messianic story:

In 1952 on the Japanese island of Koshima scientists were providing monkeys with sweet potatoes dropped in the sand. The monkeys liked the taste of the raw sweet
potatoes, but they found the dirt unpleasant. An 18 month old female found she could solve the problem by washing the potatoes in a nearby stream. She taught
this trick to her mother. Her playmates also learned this new way and they taught their mothers, too.

This cultural innovation was gradually copied by various monkeys as the scientists kept watching them. Between 1952 and 1958, a certain number of Koshima
monkeys learned to wash the sandy sweet potatoes to make them more tasty. Only the adults who imitated their children learned this social improvement.

Then something startling took place. In the autumn of 1958, a certain number of Koshima monkeys were washing sweet potatoes—the exact number is not known. Let us suppose that when the sun rose one morning there were 99 monkeys on Koshima Island who had learned to wash their sweet potatoes. Let’s further suppose that
later that morning, the hundredth monkey learned to wash potatoes. THEN IT HAPPENED!

By that evening almost everyone in the tribe was washing sweet potatoes before eating them. The added energy of this hundredth monkey somehow created an ideological breakthrough. But the most surprising thing observed by these scientists was that the habit of washing sweet potatoes then spontaneously leapt over the
sea—colonies of monkeys on other islands and the mainland troop of monkeys began washing their sweet potatoes.

Thus, when a certain critical number achieves an awareness, this new awareness may be communicated from mind to mind. Although the exact number may vary, the Hundredth Monkey Phenomenon means that when only a limited number of people know of a new way, it may remain the conscious property of these people. But there is a point at which if only one more person tunes in to this awareness, the field is strong enough so that this awareness reaches almost everyone.

The underlying belief behind Messiah is that humans are G*d’s partners in perfecting the world.

Jeremy, may you shine your golden light of love and compassion, and be part of the Messianic transformation of our world.

Blessings,
Reb Shohama

PS There is a new book on the market that I think you would find interesting—There is No Messiah…And You’re It, the Stunning Transformation of Judaism’s Most Provocative Idea, by Robert N. Levine, published by Jewish Lights.

 

Where's the Joy?

Dear Reb Shohama, It’s been such a difficult month, remembering 9/11, worrying about impending war, and sitting through Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, focusing on everyone’s sins. I want a religion that teaches me how to be happy. Can I find that in Judaism? Sincerely, Andy

Dear Andy,

It has been a difficult month with all that has been happening in the world. And you are right, Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur are the most serious of our holidays.

But now we in the season of joy, the week of Judaism’s harvest festival, HeChag, Sukkot. It is zman simchatenu, the time of our joy. Even as we sit in a Sukkah, a fragile hut, we are aware of the beauty and bounty of life, and also how tenuous it is. But we are commanded to sing with joy, and to sing with our family and neighbors. In community there is joy.

We read from the Book of Ecclesiastes (Kohelet), "There is a time for every season under heaven." Life is complex, with joy and sorrow intertwined. It is important to come together with other people and to celebrate, to really feel lasting joy.
It is important to be part of a community that cares about each other, that is there for each in times of joy and in times of sorrow.

Finding a Jewish Community

It sounds to be like you have not yet found your Jewish community. There are many wonderful, warm Jewish communities that celebrate all the holidays with joy, including Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. Many of them have their own websites, and can be found by searching on the internet; most of them list their activities in the local Jewish newspaper.

If you live anywhere in the metropolitan NY area, you are most welcome to visit the synagogue where I am rabbi, Beth El of City Island, www.YourShulByTheSea.org, (adjacent to the Bronx and Westchester County, NY), Tel. 718 885-3098.

May you be blessed to find a Jewish community that speaks to your heart and soul.

Moadim l’simcha (To joyous times), Reb Shohama