You are here:
Technically, one becomes B-mitzvah simply by turning thirteen, even if no formal ritual or celebration or celebration is involved. Accordingly, it is neither an obligation nor an emergency to hold an official rite of passage in adolescence. While many do so starting at age twelve for girls, and thirteen for boys, a public B-mitzvah rite is viable at any age.
I know a Vietnam War Veteran who was 69 when he began his Bar mitzvah preparation process. The Bar mitzvah student might be 11, 12, 19, 42, 64, 89. Timing of Bar/bat mitzvah as a rite of passage need never be an emergency; it is far too precious an opportunity to rush.
Under healthy learning conditions, one matures because of the Bar/bat mitzvah preparation process and becomes response-able in new ways. Please don’t undertake a Bar/bat mitzvah process of learning and planning a ritual and celebration just because everyone else is doing it or because of parental or communal pressure. It is right to undertake Bar/bat mitzvah when one is developmentally willing, curious, and has the time to learn new things about being Jewish and about oneself.
Forced bar/bat mitzvah experiences result in trauma that can lead to negative feelings about one’s self and a desire for distance from being Jewish. In such a situation, the student is well-served by choosing to hold regular study periods with a Jewish mentor to continue to develop as a person and as a Jew, and to delay any ritual until it feels right. That said, however, the joys of Jewishing are to be found in family life and community, so if B-mitzvah is delayed, it is essential to remain connected by attending religious school, youth group, summer camp, and/or Jewish life mentoring.
One day both mentor and student will feel the time for a formal rite of passage is coming into focus. At that point, studies can shift to skills useful for the rite of passage. In the meantime, stay focused on what’s important -- exploring and creating a meaningful Jewish life that supports the challenging journey involved in growing up.
Printer-friendly version
