This page was created after receiving letters from a) a woman in rural Romania, b) a homebound man and his wife, c) friends who felt very uncomfortable in the local synagogue, and d) friends whose children were unwilling to go back to synagogue due to boredom.
The powerful themes of Yom Kippur can still serve your soul, where you are living is also holy. On Yom Kippur we show up in life hopefully having worked intensively on admitting what we have done wrong to those where we have caused pain or loss, indicating we feel terrible about this, and are learning how to break our patterns.
The following quote from Martin Buber might be considered before choosing to remain at home on Yom Kippur:
"...this is the mystery of community—not only do the lower need the higher but the higher also need the lower. The souls bind themselves to one another for greater unity and height. There is a service that only the community can fulfill."
We all have different strengths and can benefit from being part of and contributing our talents, resources, and wisdom to creating a caring, creative, supportive Jewish community / congregation or other organized form of gathering. May you be blessed with this in future years!
Now, perhaps you are home ill, on assignment in an area far from other Jews, or haven't found a community that fits you yet, etc. Having spent a Yom Kippur home alone I recommend:
1. Consider wearing white today. This tradition reminds us of how pure our soul given to us when we are born is (Judaism does not have original sin as a concept). White is also the color of a new page, of the soft muslin shroud we are buried in when our soul has left the body (some wear a version for High Holiday services), and of an egg which reflects our potential to re-birth ourselves ethically again and again. Just as we endeavor to limit the shmutz we get on our soul, wearing white today reminds us of how when one moves gently with others how much more "pure" the spaciousness of a less-reactive allows our connections become.
A prayer that fits here is:
Taher libeynu, taher libeynu, taher libeynu l’ovdekhah b’emet.
Purify our hearts, purify our hearts, purify our hearts to serve [You] in truth.
2. You might create your own "viduii"—a list of contemporary transgressions against the good--because in our tradition we are responsible for each other, not just our own errors as we can be activities for the good, too. As it is written:
"Rav, Rabbi Hanina, and Rabbi Yohanan taught… Whoever can protest to one's household and does not, is accountable [for the missed ethical marks] of his household; if one could protest to their townspeople [and does not], one is accountable for the [miss ethical marks of the townspeople]; if one could protest to the whole world [and does not, then] one is accountable for the whole world".--Shabbat 54b
Notice how you feel as you read each example below, pause on each, allow the meaning and possibilities for you to sink into your heart and soul. Give yourself and/or those with you a high five for each one where you sense improvement from efforts of last year! Be sure to invite any children present to express their own sense of "missed marks" of their own, of school, of society, etc:
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by teaching children prejudice through our attitudes.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by closing our hearts and neighborhoods to those who are different from us.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by forgetting to recycle.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by labeling others and creating distance and pain.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by selling inferior goods.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by keeping silent in the face of evil.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by neglecting our parents.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by preventing others from attaining their earned successes.
For missing the mark—"v’al kheyt sheh-kha-tah-nu"
- by not writing and pushing and donating for peace.
Feel free to edit this list, add your own items from the Torah of your own life.
You might walk or sit and chant and discuss these and others like them over and over. What do you feel and notice as you do this?
See this guide to Jewish meditation [3] for more forms of prayer.
3. My colleague Rabbi Shawn Zevit developed the practice of having two individuals face each other and alternate saying the following prayer written by Howard Thurmann. You might say this with your self, your family or friends and turn your heart toward the Source of Life—how does it feel to say these words as though you are heard?
Reader A Reader B (then switch at the end and begin again)
Open unto me - light for my darkness
Open unto me - courage for my fear
Open unto me - hope for my despair
Open unto me - peace for my turmoil
Open unto me - joy for my sorrow
Open unto me - strength for my weakness
Open unto me - wisdom for my confusion
Open unto- me - forgiveness for my sins
Open unto me - tenderness for my toughness
Open unto me - love for my hates
Open unto me - Your Self for my self
Together: Oh dear God, open unto me.
4. Yom Kippur is about noticing the quality of one’s life and living and creating the image of there being little time left this year in which to effect meaningful transformation—we live a metaphor on Yom Kippur--as though the gates are closing on the book of our lives. This "in the moment" quality of Judaism asks us to look inward and remember where we are out of alignment with those we love and have not truly addressed the changes they are requesting that need our attention. This includes practices between us and nature, and with Source. Here is a deck of cards [4]you can use to check your alignment with goodness through a Jewish lens on ilving.
5. And no, you do not have to forgive someone just because they ask. TeSHUVa arises from hard work in a relationship and a quality turning towards better qualities within oneself, too. The word teshuva comes from the root of shuv, meaning "turn," as in turning a new face to a difficult situation. This is often a very gradual process. There are some for whom the best we may be able to do is:
a) Plant the seed that we are sorry and working on changing, or
b) Pray privately that they someone who seriously transgressed your boundaries will transform. In some cases it may never be safe to get near that person again.
You may want to do some last minute teshuva and approach someone for a private call or meeting:
"Merle, I feel there is tension between us. I would like to work on our relationship, to see if we can get to a better place with each other. Would you be willing to help me understand what has happened between us from your point of view? If you like, I will just listen and not speak my side of things unless you ask me to. And even if you do not want to do this right now, I understand. Please know that, if not now, I am be willing for you to call and do this sometime in the future.
6. Do you have children at home? Even if not, you might explore a physical understanding of turning which I learned from a Sufi teacher. The first half of a turn, for example an ice-skating spin, in their parlance could be called the "will." In order to complete the turn and not spiral off into space, the second half of the turn is called "surrender." Make and fill in a chalk spot on the floor and try turning and turning in balance on that one place—what does this dynamic of will and surrender in order to stay on your mark teach us about teshuva—turning and re-turning ourselves and our relationships to healthy, holy behaviors?
A story book you might consider is discussed here at the homeshuling websit [5]e.
8. Another Yom Kippur home activity might be to open the Chumash (FIve Books of Moses) and study the Torah portion for this holy day. Yom Kippur Morning: Leviticus 16.1-34, Numbers 29.7-11. Afternoon: Leviticus 8.1-30. Morning: Isaiah 57.14-58.14. Afternoon: Jonah 1.1-4.11, Micah 7.18-20.
These verses are about the sacrificial system—what wisdom might be found there-in? Today, how do we transform errors into opportunities for healing? How can we do this without shedding blood?
9. You might wander in nature and marvel at creation, remember the items on your list about care of the planet and space. Where are you and your family in this process—are you happy with your efforts, how can you do better?
10. It is customary to light a yartzeit (memorial) candle as sunset and the beginning of Yom Kippur comes and tell those souls you remember them and thank the Source of Life for the great gifts of life and memories. There are also those we did not know, yet their deaths affect us and we can wish them well on their journeys, as well.
11. Another important Yom Kippur prayer is the wish for at-one-ment, to feel we have reached a place of heartfelt, alignment with goodness, that is fully, divinely received:
V’al kulam eloha slichot, salach lanu, machal lanu, kapper lanu.
For all of our shortcomings… O G*d that receives these awarenesses...… forgive us, pardon us, and grant us atonement (at-one-ment).
12, At the end of the day, once the sun has set, comes the sounding of the long blast of the shofar (ritual ram's horn, available on-line and in Jewish gift shofts). There are even some web sites with recordings of shofar blasts [6] for Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur, perhaps you own a shofar and can blow your own--or listen to theirs. Or, even if you do not have your own shofar, lift up your voice and call out the the shofar sounds, ending with silence for reflection after final sound of the shofar's long blast: T'KEE-YAH G'DOH-LAH!
Note: For adults who are well, it is traditional to fast on Yom Kippur. If a child wants to fast, this isn't usually done for more than half a day before age 13. If you are on medication that requires food to take it, you must eat something with it, or if your blood sugar will drop dangerously and such, then it is a firm Jewish principle to eat what is necessary to ensure you don't get hurt. Some fast half a day, which is traditional for children who wish to do so and are well. Fasting in Judaism isn't a punishment, it is a tool to avoid being sidetracked from a day of intensifying spirituality. One who is passionately engaged in the days themes, can wait to enjoy a beautiful pre-made break-the-fast meal after the day's end.
L'shana tova--blessings for a good New Year!
- Avinu Malkeynu [7]
- home-bound [8]
- liturgy [9]
- Shofar [10]
- Teshuvah [11]
- Yom Kippur [12]