In many ways the process of deciding what to engrave on the headstone, matzeiva in Hebrew, is part of the healing process. The headstone is generally placed within 3 and 11 months of the funeral. Literally, as the acute state of mourning moves into grieving, engraving their names, dates, and some of what is discussed below in stone that is witnessed at an unveiling and visited over the years is so deeply important and powerful. Even years later, if somehow family left this undone, or years were skipped out of anger, distance, and more, still profound.
Stone is a powerful Biblical metaphor, and to understand this in relation to headstone, please see this article .
While planning this for my parents', each in turn, the hardest part was to find a few words that might convey the essence of a parent that might sound a familiar chord with visitors and friends. For my mother we put the phrase we heard from her all our lives: [be] "Gentle, sweet, and kind."
The traditional Hebrew acronym .ת.נ.צ.ב.ה. is customary for "תהא נפשו/ה צרורה בצרור החיים (t'hay nafsho/ah tzrurah b'tzror hachaim-- "May his/her soul be bound up in the bond of life." This paraphrases the words that Abigail told King David (I Samuel 25:29): "So my lord's soul shall be bound in the bond of life with the Lord your God."
Their names and dates in life in English and Hebrew were to the right and left of each other; added dad when he died nine months after mom, as he exactly predicted. The engraver asks for the Hebrew correctly written out on their form, as well as the English. This will be spelled out on any of the following documents should you have them: Certificate from a Jewish baby naming, circumcision, Bar/Bat/B-Mitzvah, Jewish wedding or "Get"--Jewish divorce document. If you don't have these, your rabbi or cantor can help, and often a search using Jewish naming websites will give the best approximate spelling as most names can be spelled several ways.
Beside the name of my father, the medallion for him having been a veteran of WWII, (Headstone places have these available and listed on their forms.
Around the stone's border, if you wish, the engraver will have decorative options.
