l. The selection and placing of a stone is usually done from three months to a year after the burial, as is the unveiling, though sometimes people take longer. Here is information on what is traditionally asked to be engraved on a headstone [2].
2. Before your guests arrive you are free to remove the usually tacky veil the cemetery places over the grave and put a beautiful scarf or tallit over the stone. Here's a Zachor (Remember) silk option [3] by Holocaust Survivor Hanka Kornfeld-Marder that is based on her original painting "Leaves of Rebirth." You can make or commission your own from an artist
2. You, or your chosen facilitator (you don't need to hire or call in clergy for this ritual) welcome the guests.
4. Note: Here is an explanation of the spiritual metaphor behind headstone and the small stones [6] used at a Jewish funeral, you might share some of that here.
5. If there are 10 Jews present, the Kaddish prayer [7] version for mourners is traditional said before removing the veil and viewing the stone. A simple Kaddish chant by Rabbi Shefa Gold can be used instead here if those assembled are comfortable with the full prayer. [R'Goldie will insert a sound file link when this is ready.]
6. Remove the veil/scarf. Silently contemplate the stone.
7. Softly reprise Shoshana or Shefa's chant a bit.
8. Pass around a basket of about 2-3" stones and invite each person to take one as they say their secular and Jewish name if they have one. Invite them to share a memory from their relationship with "x" the person for whom the unveiling is being held.
9. Here is an interpretive translation of the main Jewish funeral prayer--El Malei Rachachim
God full of compassion, beyond our ability to comprehend
Grant perfect rest to free this soul of any remaining burdens or issues
during this time of travel upon on the wings of Shechinah
among the pure, holy souls rising and shimmering like the firmament
for _______ [Hebrew name form goes deceased's name and parent's names. Example: Sarah bat Sarah v'Elyona]
has entered eternity.
May __________'s rest be Edenic.
Compassionate One secret this soul eternally beneath your wings
May ____'s soul's ties to us remain alive
within your portion in the Divine Mystery
May ____ rest in completion [peace]
And let us say, amen.
10. Invite everyone to place their small stone upon the headstone and return to their position at the ritual.
11. Conclude, perhaps, with this prayer by Rabbi Goldie Milgram:
Dear (aunt, uncle, mother, father, nephew, niece, cousin, friend....) ______________:
Reader #1: Your memory is sacred to us.
All Together: We will never forget you.
Reader #2: May the ongoing journey of your soul be joyful.
All Together: We will never forget you.
Reader #3: We will tell stories of your life.
All Together: We will never forget you.
Reader #4: Send us blessings when you can.
All Together: We will never forget you.
12. Softly chant the "I Remember" and make an adaptive finish by ending with "We will remember you."
- Mourning [9]