Kiddush: The Cup of Love, Life, and Blessing

Example story and teaching from Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage at Every Stage of Life [3] by Rabbi Goldie Milgram

“Rabbi, our wedding will be at sunset on a small island off the coast of Western Canada. The beaches are great; there’s even a small mountain. We’ll fly you in and put you up for a few days. But please understand, we want the ceremonial mumbo jumbo out of the way as quickly as possible so our guests can have a good time on the party boats before it’s too dark.”

Ronnie and his fiancée, Debra, are highly detail-oriented thirty-something architects. They’ve thought through every bit of site design, catering, color scheme, and music. They appear utterly stressed out and are not meeting each other’s eyes. Engagement can be a time of enchantment and deepening of relationship, but something here is amiss.

It seems that Debra’s 93-year-old grandmother won’t come to the wedding unless they have a rabbi rather than the Justice of the Peace they had planned—which is how I entered the picture. Although he had a bar mitzvah at age thirteen, Ronnie is a confirmed atheist; he’s going along with this out of respect for how Debra feels about her grandmother.

What to do, what to say? “Ronnie, do you remember how to say Kiddush, the blessing over the wine?” He reels it off flawlessly at express train speed. “Ronnie, Debra, the blessing recited over wine is part of many Jewish life cycle events--weddings, baby namings, bar mitzvahs, and most holy days, too.” They both nod vigorously; they know this already. “But why is wine part of these events? Could we take a few minutes for me to show you?” Too polite to shut me down, they look at each other with minor exasperation and nod accord.

I take down a silver wine goblet and ask them to imagine they are at the finish line of the detail-driven marathon they have been on en route to the wedding. Their posture changes; they seem to relax a bit—just a bit. I invite them to synchronize their breathing. Their faces soften. I quietly fill the goblet full to the brim with sweet kosher wine and hold it cupped, as is traditional, in the palms of my hands.

“Wine in Judaism symbolizes the life force – vitality, the joy of living. And a blessing is a springboard to happiness. Each symbol, word, and sacred sequence in the wedding has meaning and can help you become closer to one another. Each blessing is meant to expand your ability to perceive and receive the good things in life that can come from marriage. Vitality is for sure one of those good things.

“Any blessing that is going to be effective becomes a whole-body experience; it is not just the rote recitation of words. If your hands shake, your cup will run over. That’s totally fine; there’s a saucer to catch the drops. Your cup running over is a metaphor for joy from the Torah, the Jewish scriptures.

“Now, focus your intention by casting your gaze on the shimmering liquid and visualize the cup of your marriage full to the brim with joy and energy for living, a strong current that will carry you both for many years to come.

“And now expand your vision; imagine those near and dear to you filled with blessing, their vitality expanding with the joy of witnessing this special moment.

“I’ll actually be chanting this blessing for you on your wedding day, but just for now, Ronnie, would you be willing to slowly, with the feelings you are having, chant or say the first verse of the blessing again? Chant it to Debra, your beloved. Let your feelings fill your voice, no matter if your singing isn’t perfect, or if each word doesn’t have an exact meaning for you yet.”

Debra’s deep brown eyes fill with tears, the good kind, as Ronnie reveals a side of himself she’d rarely seen. His sound is rich and full; his heart seems to pour from his chest as he comes alive. Plenty of drops spill from the cup.

The warm silence of pure togetherness reigns.

Debra’s lips have begun to quiver as she speaks: “I want to try, but I don’t know the words and I don’t know the tune…but I feel…awe, and something I’d almost forgotten in all the planning…I feel so loving and centered.”

We decide that Ronnie will chant the words one by one, and Debra will echo him. The re-enchantment has begun. On their wedding day they will again gaze upon their cup of life, full to the brim, and pray for vitality for each other, their family, and the guests who will now happily include Debra’s grandmother. They will each drink and feel the wine, sweet and fruity on their tongues, the warmth in their chest as it goes down adding a small rush of energy. Each blessing in the wedding ritual sequence carries powerful ways for them to braid themselves together in commitment and love.

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