Thoughts on Spirituality and The Divorce Process
The integration of the loss of a formerly loved one into our lives is really holy work.
I've come to look upon a life as a very dramatic tapestry....many colors and patterns weave in and out along the way. The colors tend to change intensity and shade with time, as the loss evolves into a sacred memory. Loss becomes enshrined in our Memory Tapestry, under the best of psychological circumstances, as "a great challenge or difficulty which I survived or even overcame", instead of "woe, behold the great trauma(s) which befell me in life."
How interesting to look back on the black threads of divorce, the hot red strands of shattered weeping only to see that they are now mingled with the ultramarine blue of dangerous, high, navigable rivers which one rafted and survived! To see those rivers watering strong new green leafy live-liness which emerged from the black lagoon of depression...to look back through the days of demonization (when you decide it's not safe to stay and the other's behavior appears rabid, terrifying......were they really totally like that? Some of us wonder in retrospect.) We demonize them as part of the necessary world view to break out of the cocoon that is suffocating us....to grow, although we can't judge if the spiritual opportunity cost will exceed the benefit....we will never really know.)
Then the day comes, when the good times can be remembered. Bury those photos from during your marriage at the bottom of a big chest, I tell people, don't destroy all of them....they too are part of the torah of your life. No less significant than a memorable sweet sixteen or starring role in a college play, photo of the baby's ultrasound, video of your c-section, are the moments of our lives, including marriage(s).....as the scroll turns, these are the days of our lives.
Facilitating a "get", Jewish divorce ritual is always a source of anticipatory anxiety for me. Often I am doing this for people I know, respect and love - each of them. As their rabbi, I am the appointed midwife for their souls' dis-entwining, removing the "kiddushin", the holiness which sanctified them as for each other alone, and am restoring them to "hol", the everyday and in its own way equally challenging "hol"iness of being single. I have the image of unbraiding a havdallah candle in my mind, what was wound together for a holy purpose must be unbound and the individuality of each strand restored.
What does Judaism say about divorce?
It says in the Talmud that when there is a divorce, the heavens are crying...yet divorce is sanctioned and supported where fire in the home life makes peace impossible. Even the Torah (in Deuteronomy) legislates divorce as a holy option. That said, I wouldn't wish it on anyone...the pain is beyond what one can imagine at the point of initiation even if the growth can be proportional to the pain. It is hard work being reformatted in the wilderness, which is where leaving or being left puts us. The promised land of our dreams requires us to spend years consciously evolving out of the patterns of our Egypt times. On the other hand, I am divorced and five years later married a new person who came into my life and we have a vastly happier marriage, modeling a way of being in relationship to our respective children that they would never have witnessed otherwise.
One readers wrote for information about how to organize a meaningful, contemporary ritual for a Jewish divorce. Long civilly divorced, her last child has gone off to college and she notes that some final thread of connection with the child's father, her wasband, is now ready to be discontinued. She feels that in all the worlds, civil, emotional, intellectual and spiritual, it is time to cut the cords....but how?
My thought was for an egalitarian form of the Jewish divorce procedure, which in Hebrew, includes a document called a "get." It bemuses me that some rabbis require Jewish weddings but honor civil divorces. If anything, the civil divorce rituals entangle and exacerbate warring souls. A "get" done consciously with depth, kindness and passion, accelerates and helps make possible a healthy transition. This is the great value of ritual, it adds warp drive to one's future. (Yes, it is true that the "traditional" get is often devoid of spirituality in form and delivery....we are not talking about that...these are changing times. With an enlightened rabbi, an Orthodox divorce ritual could also be spiritually helpful to both genders, though I have not yet heard anecdotal information on this from my Orthodox colleagues and friends.)
Design for an Effective Divorce Ritual
Some people can divorce mutually. Both parties in a room, perhaps doing what Rabbi Shefa Gold once described to me. Take a long thick rope and tie small pieces of rope along it. Each partner takes turns unknotting a segment....recalling alternately the good things that are being ended as well as the bad. Alternatively, prior to this divorce ritual, each partner might separately gather a circle of close friends and do a retelling of the reasons, what has transpired since (with the kids, with attempts at new relationships, etc.) and receive affirmations of who s/he is and blessings for his/her future.
More often, I ask for each person to bring members of the "minyan" of their life...a few of their truest friends (1-3), who will support them during and receive and bless them after the disengaging of souls. The legal documents are drawn by myself or a scribe, the witnesses practice signing in Hebrew before hand; I help them.
Location is written in the ancient ways from days when borders changed nationalities by war of the week....."in the town of "x", located between the following rivers or mountain ranges." Each is invited to reflect on the section of tapestry they created together. To state that they are sure, that there is no change of heart. In a traditional get procedure, this question is asked again and again....that this is voluntary, there is no coercion ..again, and again...as tradition wisely dictates. It is not cruelty, it is powerful like the tearing of a black mourning ribbon. The ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) is voided. This part is about getting one's soul to grasp the finality so one can move on. Even for those who are sure it has been long over, almost always I am told they could feel a changing in distant and internal realms. I ask them to reflect on what they might forgive the other person for, what they need to forgive themselves for...to be shared aloud or not...either way.
I will have them hand each other a reciprocally written for gender copy of the get document....."your doorway is no longer my doorway, I no longer have the right to comment on your actions, your well-being is now in your own hands"....they stand back to back (not touching) on either side of me. I pray to be able to bring through a blessing for the moment, my hands hovering and Shechinah's tears falling, "haMavdil beyn kodesh l'hol"...let us bless the One who differentiates between that which has been made reserved in holiness and that which is now unrestricted." They walk apart, towards their friends...each holding their copy of the "get." I arrange it so first one group leaves and then the other....no final hug, or mingling, no matter how friendly on occasion the divorcing parties still are. This is about cutting a cord.
When one spouse prefers not to attend, tradition allows for a messenger (called a shaliach) to bring them their "get" and obtain their signature of receipt for the get. In such cases I sometimes serve as the messenger and on occasion have the person giving the get at my side, s/he will read it to the former spouse, hand it over and depart with me. When longer distances are involved, an alternative messenger acceptable to both parties is involved. [Be sure to have the partner sign a receipt for getting their "get." in unilateral deliveries.]
A new kind of "Get" (Divorce Document)
Please be aware of the following:
l. Use of the documents below will not be seen as binding by almost all Orthodox rabbis and a sub-section of Conservative rabbis. If you ask such to perform a marriage ritual for you, they will require you to do a new get process under the auspices of their part of the spectrum.
2. Children born of marriages subsequent to the use of these documents may be viewed in Orthodoxy as having a status that will not allow them to ever marry a Jewish person. This is because a woman who does not have the language and process what some require for a halachically valid get, is not considered to be divorced, subsequently born children are then termed mamzerim, "bastards", and they are technically restricted in to whom they can be married.
4. Who will be your witnesses?
Women are not considered to be legitimate witnesses to documents in the above described parts of the spectrum of Judaism. You must decide the implications of this for yourself. I generally use one woman and one male witness, who are non-relatives of the parties divorcing (to indicate no coercion and to unequivocally state by the presence of a woman=s signature that women will not have their personhood disenfranchised within Judaism.) I believe that if enough of us do this, the facts on the ground will statistically mount up and require recognition, over time, of women's personhood throughout the spectrum of Judaism.
5. It is a Jewish convention not to perform a wedding sooner than three full months after a Aget@ has been enacted. I follow this convention because no matter how long a couple has been apart, there is a powerful spiritual release which happens and this needs time for conscious preparation in order to get maximum benefit from the ritual.
6. If you are already re-married and feeling a spiritual hang-over from a previous marriage which did not conclude with a Jewish divorce ritual, I encourage you to proceed with a traditional get, or something like what I have developed as a retroactive Jewish divorce ritual.
7. Once you are divorced, Judaism does not ever permit the same partners to share a bed or re-marry each other.
Sample Get as Developed by Rabbi Goldie Milgram
On the first day of the week, the day of the month of , in the year 57__ from the creation of the world, according to the calendar reckoning we are accustomed to here
in the city of ,
in the state of ,
in the country of .
This location is between the [ River] and/or [Mountain Range ] and the [ Ocean] and the [ ]desert. [The Jewish people last a long-long time, so designate geologic markers relevant to your area, this is in case the region changes hands and nationalities shift, as they do. Alternatively specify meridian coordinates. This documents have serious legal and historical implications, fill them in carefully.]
I, [first name] [last name],
who am also known as: [list nick names, and others names]
and am also the bar/son or bat/daughter of
[father's Hebrew name] [mother's Hebrew name],
I currently resides at [full address] and
do willingly consent, being under no restraint or coercion, to irrevocably release you, my wife/husband/partner ,________ ____________ [full English name], also known as_______________________________[nick names and other names] and as ______________________bat or bar ____________ v=___________,
who currently resides at [full address],
from your religious marital obligation to me.
The witnesses asked and received repeated confirmation that this action is taken willingly and that there is no coercion or evidence of change of heart. From this moment forward, you, ________________ _______________ [full English name]
__________________ bat/bar ______________ v= __________________
are free to engage in any physical, emotional, spiritual and marital relationship should you choose to do so. Your doorway is no longer my doorway, I recognize I no longer have the right to comment on your actions, and your well-being is now in your own hands.
This shall be a bill of divorcement, a letter of release and a document of freedom in accordance with the customs of the people Israel.
May you be blessed with future happiness.
Witnessed by:
[Signed and dated by at least two Jewish witnesses who are not relatives of either divorcing party.]
Witnessed by:
Presiding Rabbi: Rabbi __________________
The date of civil divorce was: _____________________
All those whose signatures are affixed to this document recognize that it is unlikely to be accepted as legally binding throughout the full spectrum of the Jewish people. We choose this format without coercion and in affirmation of the principle of full legal equality for both genders within Judaism.
For unilateral divorces, use one copy. For mutual divorces, use two documents, perhaps like the above, making each the mirror image of the other.
- Get [3]
- Separation & Divorce [4]